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Sunday, July 28, 2019

...all the stories love wrote... : poetry album (ebook) coming soon

I still don't think I'm ready for this. I still think the book isn't ready and its not big enough to be pubished,
And that its full of trash.
Its just a short eBook. About 3500 words. Small I know.
And when I envisioned it, I saw something bigger and better than this. I saw perfect.

But as time went by, I began to realize that I would never get there, I would never publish the book because I kept writing and removing and removing.

I would never publish it because I dwell on the mindset of 'not good enough'. (Still have that mindset).
Yet, here I am releasing the incomplete and imperfect eBook on August 20, 2019.

All I have to tell myself?
Well done, Vickie. Well done.
We are not after perfect. It shouldn't even be in our dictionaries. Let's all just show up for what we have right now and make it matter more than we think it should.

So mark the date. August 20th 2019. On Amazon! Be the first to read and review!

Thursday, June 06, 2019

Clearing is love.

My friend needs a cutlass to clear his head. Just kidding 😂😂. But seriously, he wanted to clear his head so he went away. Stayed away from the place that brought back the memories. He's trying to chase away the ghosts. I cant remember ever having to watch such thing take place- the heartbreak, the tears, the pleading, the struggle to reach each other only to finally accept that its over. Its not that they both wanted it to end. It just didn't work.

But heck! I can't help but think about how shitty the whole thing is. I feel like the world made the decision for them. I feel like love wasn't the one thing that wrote their story. And that is absolutely wrong. More than wrong. It just makes all I've decided to spend my life living and pushing people to live by proved irrelevant.

I am a huge, gigantic advocate of letting LOVE lead the moments of my life. You probably know that. But this one story, of two young people so freaking, deeply in love with each other being forcefully separated is just killing me.
And im looking at both of them trying so hard to discover the persons they where before they had each other. Im watching as they try to live life without each other and its draining their souls. And im also learning, love hurts. Love f-ing hurts. Love is togetherness. Love is also letting go. If it means the other person lives better, we let go. We let go not for ourselves but because its the only way to save the other person from pain.
Love, honey, is sacrifice. I've lived this long. Like, it took me this long to finally understand what people mean by "love is sacrifice." To really understand that. How did that happen?!

A love story isn't always what we think it is. Sometimes we get forever, sometimes we don't. If we don't that doesn't make it any less of a worthy love story. It makes it more powerful. Because we have to know that love is far more than we think it is. Love needs us whole and strong to write the story for us. Love needs us to give ourselves wholely to it. If we can't give ourselves wholely and fully, then there's nothing in it. There's no story to come back to. We are just breathing beings with no soul.
Love is our soul. Love writes our story only when we give ourselves fully and wholely to it.
I guess I'll end with this as always-
"Let love write this story."
Love,
vi.

Sunday, June 02, 2019

Beautiful Soul

I actually forgot what i was supposed to write about today. What i had put together in my head to write about as I sat there at the radio station watching an amazing DJ do his FM thing. It happens. But, as one of my fav person's in this world always says: every disappointment is a blessing.

Self love. That's it. I know how this concept is talked about all over the internet. I've never understood how this was an issue because where im from, we don't think that deep. We don't talk about the things that eat us up inside. Mostly because many find it hard to explain. But i began to let myself understand how important it is to be content with oneself. To love both the flaws and the beauties irrespective of what the world wants you to believe.

Deciding to let go and love everything i am was slow for me. Generally, things come slow for me. The whole process of loving all i am is still slow. But im learning. Im opening up to the fact that you can never be the person you imagined yourself to be at 15 years without loving yourself.
And right now i know it may be hard to believe that you are good enough, that you don't need to change a thing about you. Because you look around and it feels like so many people are better than you in so many ways.
OK, 1- do not use others as weighing tools for your worth.
And 2- you have far more worth than you can ever imagine.
Don't just take my word for it. Look deep within yourself. Real deep, honey. There are treasures, gold, undiscovered graces that make you who you are, that make you so f-ing special and unique. Maybe you haven't really unravelled that person your childhood self felt existed. Maybe it feels like you were to naive to see how unrealistic your dream self is. I don't know about that. But I do know that right now, right here you are who you are meant to be. You're where you're meant to be. Love it. Love who you are. Embrace you for you. Discover yourself. And be free enough to let the world see the amazing person you are.
So what if you're different. So what if you're the weird one. I've discovered that the most beautiful souls are the different and weird ones.
Beautiful soul, love yourself before this freaking world. Unashamed. Unrepentant of who you are.
Love,
vi.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Biggish-smallish dreams.

No matter how much you try to run from something that has filled you up before, you can't. If it filled you once, it will fill you always. And you're probably wondering why im stating this. Its still about my coming back here. Like, i can't believe i actually hid this blog.
When i first let myself believe that this blog was my dream, it took my moments, my thoughts, my joy, my sleep, my money... It took literally everything from me. And i never regretted it. I only began to let go of this dream when i started to look around and compare. I could write a whole book about that wretched word- comparison. I took a good around me and thought it wasn't enough. That this blog would do nothing for this world compared to what others are doing to impact it. Those thoughts made me let go of this one way i knew i love to use to leave my mark on earth. I never dreamt of being an author, never dreamt of going on book tours, signing my autograph on  copies of my book.

I dreamt of a rustic themed work space, a laptop, a mug of chocolate malt, polished nails, typing new blog posts, reading and replying emails from blog readers, being present on social media as an influential blogger... I dreamt of traveling the world and blogging about the stories and thoughts that run through my mind with each journey...

I don't know why, I've never known why, and i probably will never know why i see this dream as "not big enough." Because honey, the world has filled our heads with "DREAM BIG!" captions. Like if your dream isn't big, then its not a dream. I know im not the only one that feels that way. Like you'd never really leave a mark except it feels next to impossible.
Well, for me, this dream didn't come too easy. Actually, its still coming, but its not close to impossible. And i want to believe, we all get the chance to live life the way we love to, whether that's a big dream or a good enough dream. We all get the chance to decide:
Do i go after something out of my reach, or do i look at what i have right now and make good use of it?
Do i go after what others define as dreaming big, or do i look deep within and embrace that one simple and very ordinary way i love to live my life whether its defined as a big dream or not?

Never. Never look outside yourself to determine the right way to live life or the right way to dream. Its not out there. Its not in the way those Instagram influencers define it. Its not supposed to be picture perfect. Its not supposed to be Instagram worthy. Its just you, living and loving it because it makes you feel more like you're living; not performing for the world to see and applause. Its not about how big the dream is. It never was about that. Its about you, making the most of this one chance to life; loving yourself and all the things that define you as you go.

That's it, boo.
Love,
vi.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Coming Back.

Its been so f-ing long since i let myself come back here to type words into this blank space. Not just any words, the ones i dreamt of typing all those times before i created this blog. I have no excuse.

The one thing i have been struggling with, the one thing that is my mantra, that i keep telling people to live by- STAY IN LOVE. That one thing has been so hard for me to abide by. I tend to want to jump into the next new thing without really living the moments of reward for starting what i have. Its a flaw i fight with all the time.

And im telling you right now honey, consistency matters a lot. For something to bear ripe fruits in your life, you have to stick with it. Through the hard times and the good times, through times when it feels like you don't need it anymore, stick to that dream made into a reality. You are not made to simple hustle for a dream. You are made for so much more than that. You are made to live that dream as your reality forever.

I've spent the last two weeks searching for something new when all i needed to put my soul into was right in my hands. It happens to the best of us. We tend to underestimate the gift that has been given to us, we wish for someone else's gift.

Your gift may seem small and not good enough, not big enough to leave the mark you wish to leave on earth. Whatever your gift seems like to you, its capable of more than that. Never wish your gift away.
Let yourself be. Be right here. Open your hand and see that you have all you need right now to live your best life. Don't wish any of it away.

Within this short time I've been away, I've fallen in love and I've gone back to the thing that stole my heart. Im holding it closer now. Loving. Letting myself be loved. Not giving up. Its a process; learning this art of staying in love is a process. I like to see it as a fresh start. Starting afresh makes everything feel more like success (probably because we don't see the obstacles yet).
So yeah. We doing this. We are staying in love forever. We've started afresh. & to me, starting afresh doesn't mean a new beginning. Well, maybe it does, but you need to see it as your last chance as well_ to put your all into it, this last chance.
We are doing it. We are loving consistently forever.

Love,
vi.

...all the stories love wrote... : poetry album (ebook) coming soon

I still don't think I'm ready for this. I still think the book isn't ready and its not big enough to be pubished, And that its ...