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Saturday, December 08, 2018

To the one struggling for nothing; you are not a fixer.


I have sat here for days, right on this white chair, my elbow leaning on this white table, fingers tingling, willing myself to write to you.
Waiting for some kind of heavenly, dawn-like to haze to fall on me so I'll be able to give you the words that will change everything, make it all good.
But that's not my job.
I wasn't made to sit here, and write replies of solution. I wasn't made to send out words that will tell you exactly what you are missing, directing you to see clearer like you were blind all along. And I am afraid of this- this fact that I may never be a solution to people's problems.

Maybe a companion while you find the solution, maybe some kind of motivator to keep you going, maybe someone you can lean on... but not a solution.
Never a solution.

So I've decided to just write to you, to just write something no matter how stupid or lame the words would seem.

And I am so very sorry. I am sorry you have to go through life like this. To be hopeless. To watch as your life crumbles like a building suffering from an earthquake and you can't do anything about it. To look at the ruins, not knowing where to start, how to build it back into the majestic splendor it used to be. To look around you and see that the people you love crumbled with it.
Perhaps all of us- we, the ones who think we are the chosen fixers- should arrange for some kind of meeting; to sit, tell our stories and cry.

But I wish one day, all of us will wake up and realize that its not on us. We are not fixers.

It's not on us to pick up pieces of our broken loved ones and fix them like some sort of puzzle, to figure out what went wrong, what brought it all down. And its not on us to build it back up.

That is not a job we were created for. It's not what we were made to do.
Stop trying to fix things. Stop trying to glue the broken parts together.
Because maybe the brokenness is what teaches us that we are not the ones holding our world.

Let go of what was, look at what can be.
We were created for love. Everyone has someone or something they live for. Love is rooted in that, cultivate it and find your happiness there- living for what you love.
Then let go. Those broken pieces from the past you've been holding? The ones you have been trying to piece together? Open your hands and let them go. Life will never be better with you holding them, Babycakes.

You won't ever be able to fix. You will nurse wounds for a while,
You will cry, you will forget what happened and look forward only, you will let go of the broken pieces- clear away the parts you wish were whole in life but are not,
You will smile at the life ahead waiting to be cultivated- made into something #lovely,
You will accept life for what it is and make the most of it, you could want smaller than what the world offers you- cause, well, love is what makes it go round?
...
and you will love. Really love- when each day is over and you realize again how useless your trying to fix things is, you will sink to your knees; a hollow feeling inside of you, crying maybe, but praying short & silent prayers ( because in the end thats the only thing left to do):
" God, make it all good. And please, let love win this fight. Let love win this fight."
You will do all that. But no. You will not fix it.
I hope this helped a little. And I am sorry if it wasn't enough.
Love,
Victoria.

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