Sunday, January 27, 2019

Dear A, we let the story unfold.

How did you know what you want to do with your life?
- A

Dear A,
I'm not sure how to answer this question. Apparently, I am never sure of how to answer any question or advice request until I'm done writing the reply.
I'm the girl who feels like it's her job to fix people's lives.
I'm the girl who wants to save the world from itself.
I'm the girl who wants to be known for great, extraordinary, life changing things.
I am the girl who has so much to say that I barely let the next person speak.
I am the girl always driving to give advice but hardly ever takes my own advice.
I'm the girl who is constantly fighting her fear of people because I don't want to be judged or disliked; it's just easier to be far from all of it.
I am the ambitious girl.
And honestly, if you had asked me back then if I loved the girl I was, I would have said a simple no.
Maybe I'll still say no right now.
But I can't help but think that I chose this path because of the girl I am.
I may not love all that I am; it's a fact that what I do is the making of who I am.

And knowing who you are would never come at once. Because discovering yourself is a slow process.
It's in the compliments of your friends. It's in the moments of meditation. It's in the stories of other lives who are kind of, sort of like yours in a way. It's in the fictional characters you read and watch; moments that leave you thinking,
" yeah. I am like that too. I hate being disliked. I love it when people just love me." And stuffs like that.
To know who you are is to live looking at the lives of others around you; your life is a reflection of many lives put together.

I only began the process of knowing what I wanted to do with my life when I began to discover and know myself.

It was late one morning, sitting opposite a guy who has remained distant to me since. In the midst of our discussion about religion, he looked me straight in the eye and told me,
"You don't know yourself."
And until now, I keep wondering how the discussion diverted from something about religion to that- 'knowing yourself'.

It struck me hard_ the fact that he was obviously right, no matter how I argued otherwise.
So I went home after, opened my journal & wrote down all the things that made my heart sing. They were a lot then, random stuffs I knew I was interested in... books, blogs, inspiring words, flowers... But now, my list is fewer, much more defined.
For me, it started there. The whole 'knowing what to do with my life' started when I began to love myself for all the things I love. It created the urge to spend life doing the one thing I would never fall out of love with. But will see everyday as a blessing because of it.

It was a really slow knowing because one minute you're certain you love something and the next you just realize you got it wrong. That it's not about the writing or the fact that you can write; it's about what happens when a soul reads it and realizes that life is so much more than living everyday. That it's not about your love for books; it's about sharing with the world the books that leave you gasping for air to live life like you've never imagined.

Every choice I made down the road, choices bred by the things that make me happy in life, only got me closer to this girl sitting and typing this. And A, it took years.

Want to know what to do with your life? Know yourself and love the way you find yourself.
We know what we are meant to do when we realize that we don't want to imagine life any other way.
And we are not supposed to know how it would come to us. We simply live; love who we find God made us into; and we let the story unfold- the story of how we choose to be light, we let it unfold itself.

Then I think one day, we wake up and realise we know who we are, we know what we want our lives to be about. And it's just the passion of that dream that pushes us... we become light.

A, that's my story.

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